How to Piss Off Your Tattoo Artist

An excerpt from my upcoming book, SIN IN THE SKIN:

Disclaimer: The following is a fictional story that should be read as complete sarcasm. Failure to understand sarcasm may result in one reading this story, accepting it as a good example of how to approach a tattoo, and having a professional tattoo artist hate you with every fiber of his being. If this character describes you in real life, you are a retard.

 

 

            Susie decides she wants a tattoo; something very trendy and popular so that she looks super cool amongst her friends. She begins by calling different tattoo shops in her area. She doesn’t look into their skill at all, but rather judges by the price, because who really cares about quality when you just want something that makes you cool? Eventually she decides on a particular shop and artist because one her friends told her that was the best shop to go with. So, Susie calls the artist at that particular shop and sets up an appointment a week ahead of time, for Thursday at 5pm. The artist asks Susie to email some examples of styles she likes so he can have line art prepared, and Susie agrees to send it.

Susie already knows exactly what she wants because its been in her mind for a long time, like a whole two weeks, ever since she first saw it on Pinterest. But rather than send it right away, Susie waits until the night before the appointment to email the artist; after all, why would you want to give him time to prepare?

Now, on the day of her appointment, she calls everyone she knows to come and hang out while she gets her tattoo. Obviously, tattoo artists love when they are being crowded by spectators! When its nearly time for her appointment, Susie will give no consideration to traffic or distance, and will run a half hour late. It’s a good thing that she didn’t waste time calling her artist to say she is running late, because consideration for others is hard! When she finally gets there, the artist shows her the line art that he drew, but she has now changed her mind. She has decided on something else, and gets her cell phone out and begins scrolling through the 5,000 pictures on her phone to find something completely different, but obviously something with a lot of thought behind it. Now the artist must start over, but never fear! Susie will not be bored. She was smart enough to bring four of her friends to keep her occupied, one of whom brought her four year old son who has recently discovered the joy of screaming, knowing that his mother will not discipline him. Oh what fun! Kids love having to sit still and behave in a tattoo shop!

The artist finishes the design, which looks almost exactly like the photo of someone else’s tattoo that Susie is stealing her idea from, but Susie and her friends start to discuss all of the microscopic changes that are necessary. Even when its done the way Susie likes it, one her friend’s has to put her opinion in, because obviously they are all part owner of the tattoo going on Susie’s body. Finally, the committee decides what is best for Susie and the design is complete. Its tattoo time!

Susie lies down on the customer chair to get her design on her ribs, her friends crowding around her, including the four year old. The fact that they occasionally bump her chair is great for keeping the artist on his toes! Even though the artist has his own music playing to keep his artistic mood flowing, Susie help enhance the mood by playing her own music through her phone, quite loudly. The blend of sounds, including the wailing of the child, creates an awesome environment for any artist!

As soon as the needle touches her skin, Susie starts pouring on the drama and her loud personality comes out! When she isn’t complaining about how it feels, she is jerking her head to look at the process, which tends to move her body. Every time the artist pauses to get more ink, she shifts her whole body to look at the tiny amount of progress and asks if they are almost done. Ten minutes in, Susie will ask for a cigarette break. Ten minutes after that, she will need a bathroom break. Every now and then, Susie will point to something in the tattoo, even though it isn’t finished yet, and ask “Is that how that’s supposed to be?”

Susie manages to entertain herself. Every time her phone makes any kind of noise, because she is ever so popular, she must shake the chair by reaching into her pocket for her phone. And naturally, when Susie talks to her friends, it is necessary to move her whole body, possibly even using her hands to talk, which helps the artist have more fun while trying to make nice smooth lines. Susie also knows that artists love it when their customers are constantly holding their phone out to take selfies every 3 minutes while getting their ink done.

Once the artist claims to be done, Susie and her friends will look closely at the design and find many little ways the artist can improve. Add another half of a centimeter to this line, and thicken this line, etc. Finally, the tattoo is complete! And while Susie will not be thought of as anyone with creativity, she will be very cool among her friends for the next year or two, until the tattoo trends change.

After her tattoo is all wrapped up, the artist will explain the after-care. But Susie will have to ask about it again later because she’s busy posing for pictures that her friends are taking, and everyone knows how important that is.  Susie pays for her tattoo, and though most people know that it is customary to tip a tattoo artist, Susie believes she has already paid him more than enough! Even though the artist usually only receives 50% or so, and doesn’t receive an hourly wage, Susie knows that she has enhanced the artists life by turning what would normally be a 30 minute tattoo into a 3 hour experience. Isn’t that far greater than simple money to be wasted on providing for one’s family?!

(And since this story is fictional, let’s end on a high note)

Susie says goodbye and walks out the door. Then as she’s crossing the street, Susie is hit by a bus. The artist lives happily ever after.

The End